There have been many times in my life that I have walked away from hard situations. Unfortunately, there are still plenty of times that I do. That’s the nature of improvement I suppose, you’re always getting better. Perfection isn’t really the goal, so I guess it’s best to not be TOO hard on yourself. Still, in the natural Kill The Crap fashion, I have gotten a lot better at not backing down.
It started out retarded and predictable. I saw it coming from a mile away. I thought about running, avoiding it, etc. but I didn’t, I went with it. I stood my ground, I backed myself up, I didn’t cave, and I expressed myself with honesty and as much clarity as I’m capable of. After the situation which I find a personal matter and will not discuss in detail, I felt inspired, invigorated so much that I wrote a song start to finish! Which is rare for me, but the words just flowed like syrup on some pancakes I’m not allowed to eat because of a fructose sensitivity that makes me cranky… the song however made me very happy.
Unfortunately, today I felt trapped in a broken record, the same damn record stuck on the same damn song… like having to listen to Ke$ha allllll day long.
I feel sad in that the way I viewed things was naïve. I was foolish to think I had reached a new height and perhaps triumphed over some great dragon inside myself. Actually, I do feel that way, but for some reason I thought that “we” had slain a dragon, and today the naïve boy realizes that everyone has their OWN journey, and I’m walking mine with a constant state of confusion on my face, lol. I killed the crap in my life a little, but I can’t ever truly know what anyone else does, and it’s silly to think I do.
It wasn’t all bad though, I learned something that I think would have taken years for me to learn on my own. I learned that for the longest time I have been living in the past. Obvious to some, but I guess you’re always the last one to know, right? lol.
It’s not the first time I’ve heard people tell me about their bad experiences, but it was the first time that I was open enough to see a pattern emerge, and even if I had at some point in my years past noticed the pattern, I didn’t realize just how much that pattern was speaking to me.
I guess for the longest time I have held on to my bad experiences more than my good ones. It wasn’t until I saw what it looked like to allow those bad experiences to be the very thing that defines you, more so than the good things, that I realized it doesn’t matter how safe you make yourself, no matter how much armor you pile on, you’ll always be a pussy until the day you can throw it ALL away.
Oddly, seemingly unrelated, it was when I realized this that some memories, I suppose repressed ones, came to the forefront of my mind and I felt agonizing pain from them. Things so pushed back into their cage I honestly had no idea they were there. I felt literal pain in my belly from it. It’s not the first time I’ve felt agony that intense, but it was the way I experienced the pain that was unique to this specific instance. It was different because along with that agony, I felt a weight raising off of me as well. Something in me had shed a piece of my armor, and because of that, I proved to myself that I was strong enough for this memory. In an odd way it was rewarding.
I once had a long, wonderful talk with someone who had suffered a lot of the same things I did growing up. I remember the conversation especially because of one thing she said: “ I don’t know what it is, but it’s like the stuff that has happened to us is this big heavy rock, and even though it weighs us down, sometimes ruins us, we just keep coming back to pick it up again, because it’s OUR rock.” I have a shotty memory at best and often forget what I’m saying in the middle of saying it, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget that statement.
I think maybe I carry around a wheel barrow full of rocks. Or, maybe one of those little red wagons, you know the one that you see little kids use to cart around their toys so they can always have their stuffed buddies by their side? When I felt that weight come off of me, it was as if I had taken a rock out of my little red wagon, set it down on the floor… and just walked away. Whatever rock got left behind, I didn’t need it anymore.
I didn’t need it anymore.
For some of you, you may have no idea what that means, but chances are if you’re one of the 7 and a half people that read my blog… you know exactly what that means. Words probably will never describe the infinite feeling of elation, I guess is the best word, that comes with letting go. I mean part of me wishes I could just dump the whole wagon in the river right now… but to watch as something that once seemed like an evil specter, an unstoppable force from within that should be feared and buried away in its cage suddenly become small little rocks in a little red wagon; is pretty amazing.
There is nothing you can’t overcome. What we overcome inside ourselves can rival any external challenge the world will ever crash down at our feet. There are few truths in this world, but I think that’s one of ‘em.
We really are killing the crap, as hard as it is, amongst all the doubt, and pain, there’s truth.
Not sure where I go from here, but for now I’m just enjoying it. Something else I always had a problem with but now seem to be learning how to do; enjoy 🙂
Thanks for listening,
all content copyright Kephra Rubin 2010