People Want The Worst Of You (Poetry)

“People Want the Worst Of You” Poem By Kephra Rubin

People Want The Worst Of You

Do you want the worst?
The worst inside me?
If you give me your goodness, my evil is free

I Want to be good
I Want to be nice
I Want to smile and find all of the beauty in life

But why do you like bad?
Why do you like mean?
Why prefer it when I just don’t care about anything?

Suffered through dark things
Struggled through bad dreams
Fought to fight my way out but it’s so hard to break free

Curious searching
Tell you stop asking
Want to shed your innocence and see what evil brings

Understand nothing
Get what you’re wanting
Pushing for it pushing for your heart to start breaking

Goodness rubbing off
Fighting to hold on
Getting pulled to shed it all while straining to be strong

Leave it all behind
Search for a new life
Does no one want the good it took me so long to find?

I return to you
I see you anew
You give me what I lack I do the same things for you

Gives me innocence
I give her some depth
Yes, she’s craving the worst, so she can give me her best

Combine the pieces
Make a stronger whole
Find the kind of love that reaches right down to your soul

It’s time to let go
Time to fight no more
Trust that we’re strong enough to face whatever’s in store

I ask the questions
Answers mean new things
When I ask you this time I do not hold back a thing

Do you want the worst?
The worst inside me?
If you give me your goodness, my evil is free

Life gives us dark things
We choose to pull through
Take a curse and turn around and use it to help you

Because

Some people are fools
Keep finding who knows
See that in spite of the bad you can grow even though

People want the worst of you

 

By Kephra Rubin

kephrarubin.wordpress.com

I post as often as I can, but due to a slight case of dyslexia sometimes it is difficult to post quickly. I have to rewrite my work many times for it to be clear and concise. Subscribe and you’ll always know when I have something new up. Thanks in advance.

Next Poem: Never Give Up

Copyright Kephra Rubin 2014, all rights reserved.

Advertisements

About Kephra Rubin

I am slightly dyslexic and have a difficulty with writing. It's because of this that I try to write as much as I can. Lately my writing has improved quite a bit and it's thanks to everyone who reads and posts on my blog. Sometimes it is difficult for me to post as regularly as others do since everything requires a lot of rewrites. Subscribe to my blog so you always know when I've got something new up. Thanks in advance.
This entry was posted in Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to People Want The Worst Of You (Poetry)

  1. Jay says:

    Good man, I think for anyone who really knows you it makes a lot of sense. I’m glad you turned out to be the person you are today. It says volumes about your level of perseverance, way better than what people expected, keep it up dude.

  2. Lauren says:

    Awesome awesome awesome. So relateable, especially in the last few stanzas. A lot of different thoughts I have racing about this, but the points that stick out the most are the fact that the simple truths can be so simple they’re difficult for our brain to accept. Sometimes, I simply refuse to accept happiness. Why? I don’t know. It’s almost as if the rudimentary dwelling has become a foundation for my unique and bizarre happiness…masochism, essentially.

    I also really liked when you said “does no one like this goodness that I’ve found?” why are people only attracted to, or want, aspects of ourselves that we abhor the most, and have spent the most time trying to hide? It’s almost as if…everyone else has the ability to show their dark side, but we don’t because we are so concerned with bringing out the goodness that we almost make our bad side worse with the anger and resentment of holding it in. It’s like a boiling tea kettle you keep under lock that other people want to drop to see it fall (a mix of…holding the hot embers and people laughing when you get hurt). An interesting prospect I think about a lot.

    Also, I’m sitting in philosophy and he’s rambling about trees and their realness while I’m typing this philosophy. BAMCIS RIGHT THERE.

    Let me know what you think!

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      It’s odd, because I was just thinking about this the other day. I’m very glad that you have the awareness to see that “darkness-dam” inside yourself. It can be so hard to filter through and know what to control and what to let go of. Life seems to keep teaching me over and over again that both need to come out and play. Perhaps if the darkness came out, it would vent it’s energy and not seem like such an endless specter haunting the back of our minds.

      As far as why people are attracted to darkness, I think it depends on the person. I think for some people darkness is their protector. I spent some time with a woman recently, and at some point in the conversation I could tell she was feeling a little nervous or intimidated, I tried to joke around with her, but her approach to the situation was to just start telling me how she’s been in fights and how strong she is when she’s angry… it wasn’t even on topic, lol. But that was how she felt she could keep herself from getting hurt. Obviously it bored the living crap out of me and that was that, lol, but ya know what? I been there too, I can’t lie, and so I know first hand how sometimes you use the darkness as a shield, probably because you don’t realize the light isn’t trying to hurt you like all the darkness is. But when you’re surrounded by darkness, how could you believe that there is any good in the light? Experience will tell you that, and only experience will tell you that. Yet, when you spend so much time trying to scare the light away, how will you ever experience it long enough to see that it’s not trying to hurt you? Then again, perhaps the light is the only thing that COULD hurt you, and so it’s the thing we fear the most. Since darkness has no value, it can be played with and discarded at will, while goodness, that would actually pierce us very deeply if it rejected us.

      The list goes on and on with why people are drawn to it, another big reason I would guess is that it’s the illusion of power, and the power comes very easily. There are so many people that think the key to being tough is to get a tattoo, smoke some cigarettes while making a mean face and talk useless shit to people that you don’t think will actually start a fight. It’s “Alpha Male” in a can/pill/bottle, whatever. Sadly most people haven’t ever seen an alpha male/female, not in their fathers, or friends, or strangers. So they have to guess at what it looks like. Alpha Male warriors of yesterday stood up to protect their people, while the weak hid in dank cellars and waited for the next person to bow down to. Now, almost all of the strong have died off.

      Call it replacement therapy.

      Then there’s the “DIM WIT” factor of it all, people just aren’t smart enough to create their own personal world where their goodness is the most exciting thing available.

      Not for nothing, but when you weren’t going to make it to the top of that rock wall that one day, and I said “You’ll be a lot happier at the top than you will be coming back down now.” That was a badass statement, it just kinda came out, but thinking back, that was some real shit right there. I gave myself a pat on the back for that one, lol. That was “big picture” thinking and seeing beyond the small situation. When you made it to the top, I saw a complete shift in your demeanor and everything, your “aura” let’s call it. And it’s stayed with you. THAT’S power, THAT’S strength. Sure, it’s a small example, but it sends the point home I think.

      Darkness is exciting, but it’s like eating oreos when you’re starving, yes, it’s food, but you’re not fulfilling your desires, not really. They’re crack addicts after the next fix because nothing they do stays with them, nothing they do amazes or surprises them. Because in truth, the “danger” and the “darkness” is safer than the risks involved in conquering your demons, standing before goodness and taking the chance of being rejected by it. Dark and light perhaps will always exist, but i think when there is a lack of balance between the two that we begin to waste our lives.

      Then again… perhaps when you can see beyond both dark and light, you’ll see what’s really out there for you, perhaps that’s where death and reincarnation come from, in a philosophical sense, because the person you become when light and dark become inconsequential is the person that can handle whatever lies beyond, while the rest keep beating their heads against the wall and living the same lives over and over again. Anyway, that’s a whole other tangent, lol.

      Although… ya know that song that’s out right now “All my life I’ve been good, but now, I’m thinking What the hell.” I mean who knows, maybe there’s a lot of people who just haven’t suffered, and they don’t know what their darkness is, so just as we’re trying to get to know our goodness, they’re trying to get to know their darkness. Honestly, I doubt that applies to most people, but some I’d think so. And I’m okay with that, because it’s a similar journey. If anything, that would be the “opposites that attract” sort of optimal scenario. That’s actually kind of beautiful.

      Ya know, this whole time I’ve been annoyed at how many women just seem to be seeking out my darkness, I have yet to meet a woman truly searching for self understanding though, just people kinda playing around with everything trying to figure out why the star shape wont fit in the square hole. But thanks to this conversation we’re having I think I would be more willing to open myself to someone seeking that darkness if I saw in them that their desire for it was simply to counterbalance their goodness. Perhaps that would be the experience that could help us both to see beyond the dark and light and into something more significant. Hmmm….

      Thank you Lauren, you really opened my eyes to something just then. It’ll be a journey for me still, but just the fact that i have a clearer idea of what to open myself to, I think I just changed my life a little, definitely for the better.

      Bamciz on that shiz nizz… wrrrrddddd… lol, duh. Palms up Bitches.

      Hugs for that one 😉

  3. Lauren says:

    Oh gosh, I totally see the darkness within myself. Sometimes it becomes an uncontrollable and instinctive force that I feel I have no power over and it consumes me. And I think that’s when it becomes a power struggle…with the self and with external forces. As cliche as it sounds, I feel as those that think they’re “dark” (insert aforementioned image) truly aren’t…they’re just searching for a category they think they should fit in. I think the people that are TRULY dark try to cover it up, to a certain extent because they’re scared of their own darkness. Or, they’re lucky enough to know how to channel their darkness into something that is actually productive and worthwhile. Or, if you’re like me, you just like to dwell in your own darkness…that’s enough pleasure in itself.

    And I will definitely agree that darkness actually becomes a safe haven from the light. I really couldn’t agree more. I envy those that are completely able to break out of their shell, while retaining their hint of darkness, and truly break the mold to completely demolish the glass ceiling. I think THOSE people are great…not those that don’t SEE or APPRECIATE the darkness that’s possible within…or those that just ruminate in the darkness. Striking a balance between light and dark is what’s admirable.

    Really related to the second to last paragraph…I think it is admirable to fit someone who not only seeks to find the balance between the light and dark (i’m very cautious not to use the ‘good and the bad’ and overcliche this entire scenario) but someone who truly does seek self understanding. Honestly, I’ve lived in this body for 18 years and still astound myself with what the human body (and mind, honestly) are capable of on a day to day basis. I think it’s mixture of predestination and your own choices, who you end up being. Within a certain realm, you have some sort of deciding factor, but I think that after awhile you just don’t have any more power, and that’s what makes people seek self understanding, because they realize that within that small window of control, great things can be accomplished. You realize that although it’s a small window, it’s a very very mighty window in itself. Does that make sense?

    Tangent number 3490834…complete! Glad to hear I opened your eyes about something…thank YOU!

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      Yeah, you definitely have to give credit where credit is due. I hate using movies as an example for life, but again, I feel like movies ARE the storytelling method of today and they offer visual examples of things. Yes, there are many bad examples, but there are some gems as well. When you watch older movies with Clint Eastwood or Sean Connery, people kind of tag that behavior as “bad boy” behavior, but truly it’s more balanced than that. Yes, there’s a sort of disregard in their nature, sure, they tend to do the classic “take me” with women and sort of seize what they want instead of being gentle about it, but at the same time, they’re looking for that spark, they’re picking up on those minute signals being sent out by a woman and they don’t really ever bark up the wrong tree because of being so in tune to things. In a lot of ways their actions are a strange intermingling concoction of both love and viciousness, because they listen to what these women say they want, and yet have enough of a connection with their own feminine side to be able to tell the difference between what a woman says she wants and what she really wants. In many cases, they can see how a woman’s rejection isn’t rejection at all, but her expressing her own fears of rejection, and so they “take” the woman because they can feel her, in a very emotional way, asking to be taken.

      Pussy willow pansies who don’t know anything about anything look at that and see a guy forcing himself on her. They never ask the question, out of all the women in the room, why’d he pick that specific one? They’re not in touch with their feminine side, which strangely makes them more feminine than men who are in touch with it.

      The only reason I bring up “mating rituals” on this subject is because I truly believe in evolution and that force nick-named “mother nature” knowing what’s best, better than any science we have developed so far. What’s sexy IS what you should be, however, there’s a difference between sexy-irresistible, and sexy-controllable. I think a lot of the “bad boy” thing is actually women looking for their “dog” in life, a thing that they can manipulate and “sick em” on people. These are weak minded and fearful people. Then there’s sexy-irresistible, where a woman is so taken with a man that she feels weakened by it, in nature, women submit to men, but they don’t do it easily! lol, and that’s good, because it ensures the bond is real. Sexy controllable is that consolation prize to the women too pansy to seek out that sexy-irresistible man. Interestingly, Sean Connery’s been married a hell of a lot longer than most people on this earth if that means anything, so sexy-irresistible also gives you options, if you wanna freak around, you can, if you wanna settle down, you can do that with the woman of your choosing, not just the woman you ended up with.

      A lot of relationships consist of a guy dating a girl hoping to get laid, she puts out, the guy is afraid of not getting laid again so he pursues her more because it’s a “sure thing”. She puts out more, and then one day you’ve got kids and a mortgage, but never once did the question “is this girl the one I want?” come into play. Things just happened, a lot of people tell me how they get to be middle aged and they have no idea how they got there, lol. Enter the mid life crisis.

      Too much darkness makes you sexy-controllable, too much light makes you simply controllable (aaaahhhh the friend zone… nooooo, lol) but a balance of the two makes you sexy irresistible. People at their most natural state, are some level of sexy, otherwise we wouldn’t be overpopulating the world. But to attain personal achievement, AS WELL AS personal peace, you’ve got to be sexy irresistible. You’ve got to be that person others couldn’t live without. That requires everything from strength, toughness and bluntness to honesty, honor, sensitivity and caring and a bunch of other personality traits to all work together. That’s not something that just happens, and when you listen to guys like Sean Connery talk, they have a very conscious philosophy about life. They didn’t just wake up one day and boom they were considered sex symbols, they spent their life giving a crap about how they turned out and they reflected on their choices and made new choices that might improve their results in life.

      Remember the “forward thinkers” we talked about in “Two Week Anniversary… Are You Kidding Me???” https://kephrarubin.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/two-week-anniversary-are-you-kidding-me/

      That’s being forward thinking, that’s being an “Alpha” and yeah, granted, not everyone is meant to be an Alpha, but really I think everyone has the potential to be one built into them, it’s the choices we make that result in who we are.

      So, this marks another realization I’m coming across; that personality is much like a piece of steel that we spend our lives trying to forge into our sword, our thing that we will have with us for the rest of our lives that will both expand and protect our lives. Steel is capable of great rigidness and immovability, of cutting down enemies with ease and supporting great structures, but if you rely on its hardness alone, you will shatter into the tiniest of pieces over things that are not as strong as the steel itself, and you’ll spend more of your life picking up the pieces and trying to reforge yourself than you will living your life.

      But when you can temper that steel, which actually softens the blade a little, that touch of a softness, tenderness and caring tempers the blade and makes it resilient. The softest parts of us MAKE us strong provided that hardness is there.

      Whole hearted and unconditional love is when you do what’s best for yourself and the people around you, even if it hurts. It does not mean you enable people to fail and be morons (including yourself) so you don’t lose them. And so, temperament and resilience and strength and hardness come together to create a human being who knows when to do what and can see how to interact with the results of his actions to further himself and the ones around him (or herself obviously lol).

      With my darkness being in charge, my hardness had been the predominant trait, the attraction that it caused, brought people looking for that sexy-controllable dog they could have a leash on, and the result was self-reclusion, FTW, lol. Sadly, that was definitely the wrong thing, however as we said, you need to walk through your darkness to understand it, and this poem is an expression of my frustrations now that I’m trying to walk through the light. Really, the friend-family building that we’ve all been doing needs to increase, it needs to grow and expand, and now that we’ve been through the darkness, we have that hardness needed to cut useless people out of our lives to make room for even more genuine people. We need to become a gathering point for genuine people to flock to and mingle and know that we’re not alone.

      And maybe people reading this, or people who’ve come to this conclusion on their own are doing the same thing and there’s pockets of genuine personalities all across the globe, and we do a concert or something and one day there’s a sea of hands swaying to a beat and we all look around and we realize our place in life and we finally feel in a state of relative balance, certainly swaying with lives trials as we sway to the beat, but having a zero point of peace and happiness and ultimately feeling justified in giving a crap about how we turn out instead of the usual “I say I don’t care so people think I’m cool and mysterious” nonsense so many half-asses prescribe to.

      I really see good things for all of us on the horizon. My biggest thing now is simply learning how to ask for help, which I’ve been doing- so I’m getting there, and learning to “give people a try” not read them from a distance so much and let their actions prove who they are to me and let my own actions prove who I am to those around me and myself as well.

      It ain’t gonna be easy, but having a hard time doing something is different than simply having a hard time because you don’t know what to do.

      This is all pure gold. lol, badass.

      Hugs, this was a good one.

  4. SuzyQ says:

    Another honest, read worthy, thought provoking piece! It resonates to many of us out there. It had me thinking a while. I may not be as articulate as some of your readers/writers but I have to say my piece.

    I admit I don’t know what it must be like for you (or some of your fellow readers) who have been through the really dark times and make it. At times, I do feel living in all goodness is not any different than being in darkness. It can even be downright daunting. Think about…how much of our impulses/temptations we think about, want or do are reckless with wish-I-seen-that-coming consequences? Yet, even so how satisfying it feels at that time to do so. Being in goodness would mean reining your most inner desires/compulsion to act otherwise. In which case, you are constantly conscious of your actions/words. At times, you will be met with ridicule, mockery and sneers. However, daunting it may seem, I do believe that it is possible for anybody…only if you want it. Not only it is good for you, its effects to others will be immense. (Whether they want to or not.) That whole ripple effect idea. Too often, we never look at ourselves closely to see that we can make the positive changes.. It’s so much easier to blame on the other person/event. Always expecting the other to change. So, we don’t have to work so hard on working ourselves and much easier to swallow the guilt. I suppose, that is why people seek the worst of our selves…just so, they could feel better about themselves. Kind of if you stoop at their level or even better, lower, they don’t have to feel so bad to do anything. Alas, it is much easier to just give in or give up, doesn’t it? After all, we are human…

    But the beauty of our human spirit has always been the freedom to change and evolve…for the better. So, I say, stand up, go forward and stand strong for Good! Daunting or not…it feels better to leave this world knowing leaving a good or difference to someone else. Now that is a wonderful feeling.

    Peace…cheers (or NORM ;-P)!

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      Hey Suzy, thanks for taking some time to read my poetry, much appreciated. I definitely have more movie reviews than philosophy or poetry, it’s just quicker to write a review, it takes a lot more work to do poetry and philosophy. I’m working on a new poem when I’m burnt out from writing my zombie book, so there’s more to enjoy soon enough 🙂

      It’s definitely a difficult subject to talk about, you don’t want to put all your bad deeds out there and yet you want some sense of atonement. So there’s this epic war going on inside your mind and then somebody shows up who thinks you shouldn’t be fighting at all, that your animal side is wonderful, and that being swallowed up by your darkness is a good thing. And then another shows up and says the same thing. Not only that, but when you do the best you can to be good, it’s the only time anyone ever makes you feel wrong and yet, the very lack of goodness also feels wrong. So everything you are feels wrong and people love you for it. One day you turn around and try to tabulate what goodness has touched your life versus what evil and the numbers are so disproportionate it’s so staggering that after a while, you just don’t want anything anymore. Then all you have is time to think about the emptiness, and it’s not that the emptiness grows, you just notice it more, so you can’t help but want to be the thing everyone wants so much because you figure- that’ll fill it. So, you take some chick out for a wild night that she’ll never forget and you wake up th next morning feeling sick to your stomach because you feel exactly the same. Not worse, because it’s nothing new, but it’s worse because the more you try the more it’s all the same crap over and over again.

      The only thing that reminds you the darkness isn’t what YOU want is that emptiness, and so it becomes your reminder. The thing that keeps you from completely giving up on goodness is the thing that hurts the most and so pain is the only way for you to remember you can be good. But pain hurts… so you screw up, again and again. Then people seek you out because you’re such a fun project to try and fix, yet another mockery of the journey. Everything is just a joke and apparently I have no sense of humor because lately it’s all just been pissing me off.

      It was Lauren who posted earlier that helped me to see that to a point, dark and light have to coexist, so in a way, good people may be drawn to me hoping to find a balance, which is a good thing. I was always disgusted by it because i felt like people were just being selfish and looking for their fix of excitement even if it made me worse because they didn’t care. For many, I’m sure that’s true, but I can remember looking back and being confused why certain ones were heartbroken. Maybe, just maybe, they were simply looking for balance and not to exploit me and I simply couldn’t see that. So, my new perspective on the subject is that if I were to meet women who were truly good, but needed to understand their darkness and yet wanted to help me to understand my light, that would actually be pretty fun and exciting and I’d probably feel good after encounters of that nature.

      I have the best relationship with the best friends I’ve ever had in my entire life right now and I’d say that I’m starting to finally move in the right direction. I’m sure it’ll be tough, but it’ll be good too.

      Thanks for the encouragement 😉
      Frasier! lol… corny

  5. SuzyQ says:

    I hear ya! It’s kind of cool, scary that you can be honest about yourself. Glad to hear that you have your own personal cheering crowd…it can’t get better than that.

    I have to admit I have my moments of “craziness” come over me. Things considered they are still quite tame by others’ definition. Partly due to my nature, I suppose. Can’t help it if my upbringing is faith-centered and therefore, people may view it as somewhat sheltered. *lol* Perfect childhood? Hardly, in fact quite dysfunctional – bounced between parents, relatives, isolation. Faith (and contemplation) was my constant when growing up. I don’t preach what I believe (and practice) to others. Only because it’s such a personal thing. Most times, I do get comfort from it whenever things seem tough. Don’t get me wrong…I too am fortunate to have the best friendships that are quite diverse (in faith /nonfaith, race or culture). With them, I don’t waste my breath and time to argue semantics. Just relish that we are free to be who we are and whatever good we bring to each other and to others. There is no right or wrong to it. Again, it’s my life journey, not anyone else. Naive but learning – never fear, I say. ;P

    p.s. How’s the zombie book coming along? If you were to rate it, how is it?

    Anyhow..Keep those posts, reviews and poems churning!

    Toodles…

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      Yeah, I would rather be hated for who I really am than loved for something I never was. People try to use your lies against you, so you if you just let everything out in the open, what ammunition do they have? I mean, granted the truth can be good ammunition too… I don’t know, lol. I just shoot for it for some reason. Life has shown me that shit happens no matter what you do, but you can get up in the morning a lot easier and go about your day with more purpose when you’re not so full of crap. If you do get to a point where for a long time you thought you were genuine, but new life lessons show you you were actually full of crap, lol, well… it helps to just admit it and do something about it as best you can.

      I take a different approach to life, I believe in open mindedness to the point of giving ideas a chance. However, results are results, if what you’re doing has yielded results that do not please you… you are wrong. There’s no discussing it, there’s no talking your way out of it. Even if you bullshit the whole world, you’re still wrong, and you’ll know it. For the longest time I was proud of my results, when I wanted wild insanity, it was there, when I wanted a relationship, it was there. I thought, that if I had this much freedom, what I was doing was ultimately true. I can’t even really describe in words what it is I’ve wanted lately, but thinking I’d found it only to realize I’d found more of the same old same sold, cut pretty deep and so… bad results means you’re wrong, lol.

      Some people call it “self fulfilling prophecy” honestly from my life experience, I call it excellent deductive reasoning. I have always known with a disturbing level of detail how every relationship I’ve been in was going to play out. I’d also know what benefits or lessons I would learn from it and that would be how I would decide to go forward or not, whether the lesson was worth the hassle. Whatever it is I’m looking for now, I honestly can’t see it, that’s the first time in my life I haven’t known what was coming. It is ironically fitting that this is the case, perhaps that in itself is an indicator I’m on the right path. However, the confusion and the “blindness” of it has me feeling very lost.

      Craziness? You? nooooooo….(smirk) I think as long as you don’t feel like there’s life missing from your past, you’re fine. “Sheltered” or not ;-). I got moved around in a similar fashion and it definitely creates an unsettling feeling when it comes down to order and routine. Lots of people are drama obsessed because their life IS sheltered, but if your focus is more on finding that calm peace in your life that maybe doesn’t have all the wild, I’d say that’s perfect. Again, so long as when you look back there aren’t holes of regret. Your struggle is unique to yourself, but there are definitely certain things we share in common. So while I can’t say anything with certainty, I can say I get what you’re saying and I think there’s plenty to be proud of in it :-). That’s what I think and that’s the only thought that matters, so there… kidding.

      My zombie book? Man, I gotta tell ya, I don’t want to come off as an arrogant bastard (usually said right before doing exactly that) but god damnit do I kick ass, lol. I’m kind of forgetful by nature, so I’ll go back and proof read and I’ll be like “Wow, I wrote this??? This is amazing!” lol. The character development, the way each has their own struggles that overlap and intertwine and even though they seem so different, it’s their struggle for redemption that brings them together as brothers. The simplicity of the fantasy/sci-fi aspect of it that still manages to be perfectly ingenious. The fact that most of the book has NEVER been done before. I’m so excited I have to calm myself down, lol.

      That’s not to say it’s perfect. There are definitely areas I’m concerned about. Some things I worry haven’t been fleshed out enough to feel believable. A lot of projects I’ve done in my past have been amazing in some aspects and frankly kind of crappy in others. I’ve had people write to me and tell me that the lyrics to my album completely changed their life… but if I could swing it maybe next time not sound like I’m singing into a tin can? lol I made the album in between spurts of homelessness, what the hell people? lol. Nah, lol, it has a lot of heart but the fact that it lacks technical quality can’t be denied. For people who are deep thinkers, they could look past it. But it was still just that… looking past it, lol.

      I’m good at writing press releases, but I’m going to have to figure out what I want to do when it comes down to an author photo, promo photos, etc. as well as artwork for the cover since I’m not much of a graphic artist. I’ve approached many artists, but they’re all unreliable little bastards, lol. So far anyway. I’m always hard on myself for my difficulty with organization, but when compared to other artists, I have it together more so than most, lol. I set up a meeting with the people from SCORE which is like a mentoring program that helps people start a business. That way if I do have to spend a lot of money to find a reliable artist I can at least write off the expenses.

      This book is where I have a chance to take a stand against my own inconsistency. (I should really paint my face half blue while I say this) So I really want to make sure all aspects of the book are good, not just certain things that require the audience to look past others in order to enjoy it. I’m not too worried about it, it’s still the first draft. I’ll really scrutinize in the second draft. The first draft still has a little ways to go, right now I’m about 3/4 of the way through the story. I’m not sure how many pages it is, I think last time i said I had 260, but I don’t think that’s right. I was just trying to guess how many pages it would be when you make it the paper back size. Right now I have 210 pages of 8.5X11 written, so whatever that is in novel size. The story might actually end up being a little short, but I’m happy with that, because if I have to inject new stuff into the book to add depth, it won’t make the overall story feel like it has any parts that drag, ya know?

      Speaking of which, I’m going to go work on that now 😀

      Thanks for writing and always keeping in touch 🙂 Means a lot.

      • SuzyQ says:

        The geiko is back…and thinking of a career change…stat! *sigh* If only I’ve had in mind to read your post earlier, your enthusiasm would have rubbed off on me. *lol* It’s contagious! Now, you’re getting me all gung-ho…for a book that’s about…zombies (argghh)…and not even out yet. (Sorry, it’s the bookworm in me.) Well, if you’re the author, you have every right to be excited…at any progress (and feat). Nice…

        Wow…man, how eerie it must be like to actually know the outcome of your relationship before it even takes off. Going “blind” (as you eloquently out it) is just another part of self growth. Scary? Definitely…it’s not something you’re accustomed to. I suppose that it’s because of how we form our perception of the world from childhood. Subconsciously, we take on some “life lessons” (from the adults) and use them as models to live our (future) life…right or wrong then…it’s what we know. Breaking the pattern of what is wrong from that model requires a bit more self-reflection and willingness to admit it was wrong in the first place. Plus, a lot of forgiveness too…now, that part is the hardest. But I find that the point has always been that if your mind is always open and your conscience is always nudging to be better, it’s all good. So, you’re good. Even if you always say that you’re a badass. *lol* You know the famous saying about the part that only in death do we stop evolving.

        Drama obssessed? Hmmm…I guess I have that already to last a lifetime. Zen-like life for me now. *lol* Not! Order and routine pretty much sums up my life so far. Back to my earlier point about early impression upbringing. Sane relationships are my thing so it’s good in that front. So far, I have no regrets…even if some may call my life “boring”. But I admit there are times I have this inner voice saying “Break free, break free”. To what? I haven’t figure that one out yet…maybe I’m overthinking it. *lol* Like you said, be the doer not the doee. Maybe if I’m really honest with myself, all that wild, reckless abandonment would be uncharted territory for dear, “old” me. ;P Lately, come to think of it, I may need some of that. *lol*

        Till next time…cheerio!

        • Kephra Rubin says:

          Hey, do you have a blog of your own? I’d love to get down on some of your thoughts if you have one 🙂

          Obviously you should read my posts at the start of every day, it’s a whole lot better than a bowl of corn flakes… duh. (smirk) Career change, hmmmm… interesting. What’s killing you where you’re at now?

          Sweet, yeah I’m doing the best I can to give something for everyone, comedy, drama, love, passion, action, mutha fuckin’ flesh eatin’ zombies, lol, and one solid moral that takes the entire book to illustrate so you have a nice wrap up in the end. The writing style is a bit weird, so hopefully people can accept it otherwise the whole book is screwed. We’ll see. If you do end up with a kindle type reader you’ll be able to get the book for like 4 bucks. I’m not going to get crazy with charging a lot. For a printed copy I’m just going to mark up whatever it costs to make the book like 2 or 3 dollars so we’ll see how much that ends up being. Either way you’ll be able to get inside the endless mind of Kephra Rubin, mwahhahahahaha ha haaaa….. yeah.

          I guess break free FROM what is a better question. That feeling definitely speaks of a desire that is being blocked. What’s the thing getting in the way? That may lead you to what the thing is.

          Hey, just for kicks, check out my Gurkha F5 post, sure it’s a gear head type article, but it’s got a reference to soccer moms, powdered sugar and tampons that makes the whole thing worth reading, lol. https://kephrarubin.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/the-tank-suv-from-fast-five-a-detailed-look/

          Laters

  6. SuzyQ says:

    Blog? Man, if only I actually have something worth writing for others to read. As it is, I only have moments of random, read-worthy thoughts. *lol* Alas, nope…no blog. I am more of an “internet prowler” – free time allows me to have discussions, or give comments, on different websites or blogs for fun. Usually I’m more of face-to-face conversationalist. As for Facebook, I haven’t joined in the bandwagon. Kind of like my friend who’s a professor, she just won’t on it for fears of being bombarded by her students. Personally, I guess I’d rather have really close friends whom I keep in touch with regularity (via email), than having more but not much connection. Plus, where do I get the time to “hang out” in my Facebook? *lol* (I heard that you can get tons of comments and invites once you get in.) Strange? Perhaps…but that’s just me…

    Ah, The Kindle…yes, I did succumb to my temptation few months back. Love it actually…but I still frequent the libraries. Cool! Will check it once published. Not too gory, I hope. *lol*

    yeah, thanks for the correction…it’s break from…not to. ;P Being in HR has me all wrapped up in other people’s lives. Indirectly affecting their chances of getting employed, or not, layoffs to benefits…let’s not get into that. We’re in a “cursed” profession. ;-P Did you know we’re also the first to be let off when company downsizes? Yup, we make pink slips…for ourselves! Hah! Still I like it…maybe will look into more non-profit org. in near future.

    Cheers!

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      Yeah, I suck at the internet stuff, it’s tough to get a connection going and I find I run into a lot of misunderstandings that don’t happen in person.

      One thing I’ve noticed though is you can tell a lot about a person by how they react to your messages. Someone who is really insecure and retarded, boring and whatever else will see things from that perspective and put their own personality into your words. I made a simple comment, on facebook, lol, on some “friend’s” picture and I swear it turned into a god damned Abbott and Costello routine talking in circles and all I’m trying to do is give a compliment. It definitely helps you spot weakness, obsessiveness, extreme insecurity, because they’re left alone with your words and it’s how they view themselves that dictates how they receive something that has no vocal tone to help imply its meaning. It’s very interesting. I remember I met this chick and in person we’d get along fine and everything was just pure wild and wonderful times to be had, online it would always turn into some disastrous argument off of something simple and mostly unimportant. Then in person, everything would be fine again. After a while, ya know you start to learn more about each other and then the insecurity becomes more obvious over time, but in the words the insecurity was there from the beginning. So it’s an interesting concept as far as “Killing The Crap” and getting yourself to zone in on more level headed people for friends and whatever. If you can communicate on the phone, the internet, in person etc. that’s probably at least a sign that who you’re seeing is who’s really there.

      Or at least that’s the theory anyway.

      • SuzyQ says:

        As far as your theory goes, it is dead on! Yup, it’s much easier to relate to the person talking to you face-to-face because you can see their expression as well as the tone of their words. You can also appreciate the immediate feedback of what you are conversing about, not to mention that need for connection/closeness. yeah, I do think we have a “feel” of the person even if it’s just via email, letters, etc. You do project yourself when you write. 🙂 It’s interesting that you note that as as you learn about the person, the more you notice these obsessions, insecurities, etc. through their words. This happens only if you are paying attention…and it indicates how much they trust you to accept them as they are. If you are an active listener, it can be gratifying to the person conversing. My grandparents told me often “God gives you two ears and one mouth, which is shows you that He created us all to listen more than talk. So listen well” Don’t you find that a lot of times people are always in a hurry to respond to your words, rather than take time to fully understand what you’re saying? We are a vulnerable lot, truly. Longing to be accepted as we are…but mostly, just to be heard.

        toodles…

        • Kephra Rubin says:

          It’s a good point you bring up. Especially, as I open up more as a person, I start to see things in people I’ve known all my life that i never saw before. Some of it is good, some of it is not so good, but it all means less to me now. That is to say, as a child it was so important that people be the epitome of what I need in my life. Yet, as I get older I suppose I am able to provide my needs. My life is becoming less about what I need and more about what I want. No one is perfect and we all get insecure, but I definitely relate to what you’re saying about people jumping on the response instead of processing the words. I love to be challenged, but to me it’s not a contest, for a lot of people it is. It’s not a conversation we’re having, it’s one person showing how smart they are and then the other person tries to beat them. That’s not why I’m talking. I’m talking because I’m offering up what I have and seeing what someone else has and using it to make whatever I have better. To me it’s symbiotic, we’re working together with our words and brainstorming our ideas until we reach somewhere new. Yet, it’s so rare that that’s actually what’s happening.

          But I guess in the very spirit of listening it should be obvious that if its so rare and yet it has happened a few hundred times to me, then it’s less about what you take from the world and more about what you give it that dictates what sort of returns you get in the end.

          Yet, at the same time I can think back to certain instances where people had opened up, and because so many people open up to me, I made no special note of it. However for them it was such a big deal and my taking it with a grain of salt may have actually been hurtful to them. Hmmmm… life is such a balancing act, lol. Perhaps I simply wasn’t ready to be bonded in that manner, to be relied upon, to have responsibility for someone’s vulnerabilities.

          Maybe we do the bad things we do because in spite of how much I say how dumb most people are, everyone is rather intuitive. We see what people give us and realize what we would have to give back in order to accept them, to be accepted. In some ways exposing an old wound can be more painful than having a new one inflicted. So we avoid what we need, not because we don’t want it, but because we’re not ready for the pain we’ll have to face in order to accept it.

          This totally explains the Jersey Shore. Nothingness in response to substance, emptiness and void in response to a world full of life and depth, not because there is no substance in the little orange oompah loompah girl, but because to expose whatever festering wounds lie beneath the surface would cause more pain than an entire life of nothingness. For the viewers of the oompah loompah gang, they get a chance, not to say “man, i’m glad that’s not me” or “at least my life isn’t that bad” but more to say “wow, i’m not the only train wreck, i’m not alone” God damn that’s profound… I could be giving more credit than what is due, lol, but whatever, I’m a nice guy… it’s amazing just how much we all have in common. The sad part is simply the way the void is encouraged to grow in size. People knowing their desire to connect, knowing their need, and yet choosing to take the stance of needing nothing from no one… yo… damn well knowing under it all they’re just hoping someone, anyone will see they’re completely full of shit. Because if they could see that, then they must truly be listening.

          Self destruction in search of truth, how very “Fight Club”

          Hmmm… i must absorb these new realizations.

          Toodles indeed…

  7. SuzyQ says:

    Interesting observations you’ve got there…especially one with the Jersey Shore reference. ;-P Sad…and soooo true… Hey, I think you underestimate the power of your blog, my friend *lol* When you open up yourself to the world, you will indirectly invite others to share their personal pain/vulnerabilities. I guess it makes it much more easier since we are (sort of) anonymous. With family and close friends, there is always that fear of rejection because they matter more. Notice how we almost always hurt our family members (in terms of how different we’d talk or behave towards each other) more than we would hurt our friends/strangers. Only because the bonds of family is much more binding than of friends.Plus, they have seen us at lowest of the lowest. (well, in most cases, I think). At times, it may feel like we have to bear responsibility of other’s vulnerabilities, as you say…however, most of us forget that we are the only ones that have to OWN our our vulnerabilities/insecurities/pain. The problem comes when we expect others to “fix” us. Kind of that “knight in shining armour / Cinderella” syndrome…we may think at that moment this hero will come and make things better (for us) but in the end, you have to work on your own to somehow work through those personal wounds/pain…Haha, sometimes life is the pits, really. I think when you live life always looking back, you will never truly live because you are too hung up on the past, filled with regrets. Never moving forward. For example, In terms of both our life experiences so far, we have grown and mature in some areas. Needs work but otherwise, no regrets, right??? So is, good. Since I last wrote about my breaking free from (what,who, etc), it’s been liberating because I am much more clear (head wise) on things I want. With that, I say thanks for listening…

    btw, it’s quite obvious you’re a good guy…even if you insist that you’re such a badass. A mix of both isn’t a bad thing…like you say it’s all in the balance…*lol*

    Cheers…

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      It really made me feel good reading your words, the internet definitely adds anonymity, but perhaps in same ways we see our truest forms. Guess it just depends on the people 😉

      Don’t forget the whole sibling rivalry thing, my family likes to celebrate whenever I fail, lol… fuckers. I always got treated like crap growing up. One night I’m having a conversation with my oldest brother and I find out that they blamed me since birth for certain problems our family had because those problems started to occur once I was born and in some ways were actually because I was born. It’s amazing how much of a load off of your chest learning something like that can be, lol. I’ve heard myself say that I don’t care what people think, i don’t know, perhaps I do. I never realized just how much I wondered “What did I do to deserve this?” until the day I learned why it had all been happening and then I was able to say “oh, I DON’T deserve this.” And even though you think I’d be mad because it’s like wow, none of this should have ever happened, I just felt better. Like, I can let go of that now.

      Understanding really is the key to so much. Self understanding, understanding others, it’s almost like that’s what matters most and everything else is just there as a tool to help you do that, ya know? I’ve had many realizations chatting with you as well as my other friends and yes, perfect strangers. I guess I can risk all that comes along with exposing my vulnerable side if it means that in the process I can have such an opportunity to truly see people, if that makes sense. I mean really, what else is there?

      I’ve definitely overcome quite a bit, some people actually think I’m lying when I talk about the life I’ve lived so far, most of my friends were there watching me grow and overcome, so it’s mostly a good laugh, but that’s how far I’ve come in 28 years, that there are actually people who refuse to believe such feats are even possible. For me, however, it’s tough, I think about where I want to be and I see where I am and I am very hard on myself. Still, perhaps today is a good day to simply give myself a pat on the back, take a moment to drink it all in, and then get back to work, lol. Thanks for that ;-).

      It put a jolt in my heart, lol, that’s the only way I can describe it, when you told me I’m a good guy, thank you, I try. Believe it or not I learned a really awesome lesson, perhaps it’s obvious, but ya know how sometimes the obvious escapes you? lol. In X-Men: First Class, Xavier says something like (it may not be exact) “Between rage and serenity lies the key to your true potential” and I have to admit that hit me like a ton of bricks. It sparked a huge conversation between me and a friend and some amazing things were discussed and it really changed my life. That’s why I spend so much time on stories and movies etc. it’s not just the entertainment value it’s that people pass things on, parts of themselves, in their stories and you get a chance to share in that. I guess in a lot of ways the main character in this book is me, forged in dark surroundings, his darkness made him what he needed to be to survive, but when a glimpse of light touches his face, he struggles with the beast, the demon, the darkness, whatever you want to call, hoping to put some goodness into it, perhaps truthfully just trying to give his goodness a chance to grow and become something equally as strong. I hope he gets what he’s after by the end of the book, or at least finds his path.

      Speaking of which, I just got off the phone with a Vietnam Vet who actually fought side by side with the people my book is based on! I’m going to meet with him this sunday and interview him so I can get some awesome true life stuff to put in the book. I’m so excited 😀

      This book’s gonna epic, no doubt

      • SuzyQ says:

        Hmmm…I certainly would like to think that most people are true to themselves when on internet/the discussion boards. Me, included. ;P

        Great to hear that the book is coming along well. I think it’s pretty neat you’ve got a chance to meet people who can inspire you during the book process. Hey, speaking of sibling rivalry, I can totally relate with you on that. Can be quite a bummer (and a relief) to know what had happened to you are based more on their fears. My sister certainly knows which buttons to push to get to me. These days, I am not playing her “game” anymore. I’ve come to realize that we all deal with similar circumstances differently. But it doesn’t give the right (especially with family) to take it out on you…just because.

        I was quite surprised that you feel that maybe others don’t perceive you as a good guy. Like I mentioned before, you do project yourself when you write. Seriously, how many guys would I have known/met would suggest “Flipped” movie? (btw, I mean this is in a good way. *lol*) Plus, I did *get* that you do see movies beyond the action…you know, meaning, symbolism, etc. Hmmm…I guess, I’ve been hanging out with just literal guys. *lol* Don’t get me wrong…even if I am committed to a “literal” guy, it’s OK because he’s just the way he is. Frustrating at times, yes. *lol* But in all things, we must learn to always look at the whole rather than parts. (Haha…right out of the Flipped movie/book…it’s so true in life)

        Remember when you wrote that people often claim that you can’t have come through those experiences because of your age? (I can see why, being 28 & all ) What they forgot is that it’ isn’t just age that makes us wiser/older/reflective…it’s the experiences you have while getting where you’re at (at whatever age). Personally, I grew up having to be “old”…not because I wanted to…but because I had to. (actually, someone from Univ. once told me I had an ‘old soul’ *lol*) Let’s just say I don’t have rose-coloured glasses when it comes to relationships and how the world works. No, I am not cynical, thank god. Being in a boarding school isn’t a privileged life (as some people would have you believe). It really builds your character and independence. My true understanding of love and friendship came from there (since there isn’t much at home). Yes, perhaps, if I am honest (even at age 12 at the time), I just needed a breathing space to find myself in all the chaos at home.

        So, I do believe and (somewhat) understand you…it’s all there in the posts or poems you wrote. 🙂

        I wish you luck with the book.

        Cheers!

        ps. better stop as this post-vacation feeling will have me ramble into incoherentness *lol*

        • Kephra Rubin says:

          Yeah, it was awesome, I think that I’m going to use books as an excuse to just live that much more ya know? Experience things that maybe I never would have thought to experience without the writing.

          I was surprised to hear that you had such a great experience, most of the girls i dated from boarding schools or catholic schools etc. were out of their freakin’ minds… then again I’ve noticed as of late I’m a bit of a psycho magnet so maybe that had little to do with the boarding schools etc. and more to do with me… ha ha. It’s odd, but in a lot of ways I feel like my life started when I was 25. Everything before then was focused on survival while simultaneously blocking out the endless hoard of negative dumb asses, it was tough just to breathe. I could see how boarding school would give you a chance to reflect instead of react and find yourself. That’s pretty cool.

          As far as the age thing, it’s so true. In a lot of ways I feel like i’ve already lived several lifetimes. Each section of my life is so different and riddled with so many trials and tribulations it’s as if I’ve lived five or six lifetimes already. Some things seem like they happened a hundred years ago I’ve come so far from those places it’s almost hard to believe they happened in the same life.

          I think in a lot of ways I started out extremely cynical and as time goes by it starts to fade. I saw this episode of south park and it’s funny how profound it was, lol. I think it was titled “You’re getting old” and one of the characters starts to think everything and everyone sounds like shit. A lot of things pissed me off, but what’s interesting is the more I conquer on the inside, the less I am affected by the world outside. That’s not to say that I’ve put up some sort of barrier, it’s just that perspective makes it easier to take things for what they are. I embrace good things and do the best i can to let the bad things go. Some things, especially in my past are harder to let go of than others. Life experience has helped me let go of some of those things as well, however.

          I’m not going to get up on a soap box or anything. But I knew a lot of people who did drugs to find some kind of experience, life is definitely about experience. But when you meet someone after not seeing them ten years and you ask them, what’s new? And they say, nothing… you start to see just what they’ve been experiencing this whole time. But it proves the same point, where people lack experience, they lack life, and where people gain experience, their life also flourishes.

          Separately. I went hiking for the first time. 1.5 hours of sleep and 20.2 miles in 20 hours, half of that in pitch black darkness. I didn’t think I’d make it five miles, didn’t think i’d be okay with it at night, thought i’d get lost. Not only did me and my friend not get lost, we handled it all in muddy terrain and at the end, probably could have gone a few more miles. Three people got lost that day according to the Ranger and he said they had like ten times the amount of equipment that we did. Funnier still was we felt like we had brought too much stuff and definitely could have done the same with half as much crap.

          When you come face to face with the parts of yourself veiled in uncertainty and find more strength and resolve than you ever knew you had, that’s a day to remember.

          My birthday just passed, I’m 29 now, gettin old, lol.

          • SuzyQ says:

            Funny! Admit it, at least, you get to live your life loving what you do. You sound totally psyched with your own work. So, it’s a big deal. 🙂

            As to the boarding school comment, you know how high schools can be right (at least, my understanding what a public high school is like)? With the cliques, rebels & all…we still got them. Alas, there is no off-day away from your fellow mates. Oh, you have freedom (away from parents) but you get some restrictions (from House Mother & Perfects *shudder* Imagine your own peers being your “parents” – some really relish their power). But, yeah, looking back I really did enjoy it…or maybe I chose to remember the good times. *lol* I am kind of an introvert so having few friends and being on my own isn’t so bad. Plus, majority of us are the studious kind. But secretly envying those who rebel against authority. *lol*

            Very well written perspective, Kephra…I concer. We can’t really change our past and how it has affected us.The best thing we can do is continue living and maturing. Living is easy. Now, acheiving maturity and working towards obtaining greater wisdom will always require more effort and time. Given our similar ages, I can safely assume that we are at a point where we are more reflective/conscious in how we respond, rather than being continously impulsive. To me, it’s a start.

            Man, that’s quite a feat for a first-time hiker. In the dark, nonetheless. Even I won’t attempt it. 🙂 (I do occasionally hike but strictly during the day). Good friend you’ve got there. 🙂

            Hey, Happy belated, belated bday! ;P

            ps. oh don’t remind me about HP:Part2! I’ve been so backlogged with engagements …I’m practically leaping at any opening next week to have a go at it. Rest assured you will know what I think :)))

            Cheers!

          • Kephra Rubin says:

            It truly is exciting, everything that’s been going on lately has been pumping me up more and more. What’s also great is how well things are turning out. I’m working on the 2nd draft now and some things are either incorrect or don’t make sense etc. and it gets a little frustrating trying to move things around and then check the rest of the book for continuity etc. Still, it’s even more awesome when I finish an update and realize the story is that much better. I think when you truly love something you enjoy working on all the little things, and when you don’t truly love something, you just want it to be over with already so you don’t have to work so hard. Perhaps passions help shape the way we love. Perhaps we can use them to improve our love and become more in tune to the details all around us.

            How awesome would that be? lol

        • Kephra Rubin says:

          Harry Potter review posted, what’d you think?! How do you feel about the series as a whole and its coming to a close?

          https://kephrarubin.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/harry-potter-and-the-deathly-hallows-part-2-movie-review/

  8. Azuriealiteblue says:

    Katharos

    I know now there is a warmth that resonates but through the darkness.
    Unmistakable yet untouchable as it might be, fear is the constant enemy.
    -It is not the struggle between light and dark.
    I have been trying more than anything to rise above the spent embers and smothering ash of my past. “I feel like I’ve lived twenty lives, ripped up and reborn…” Reading your poem tonight inspired me to look through past journal entries that I’ve written and reflect on my own journey. I just wanted to share a bit of my writing and my emotion to let you know that you are not the only one.

    Caffeine high-(trapped) – S.O.B.

    Looks like mud, pours like mud, tastes like shit.
    Sit at the table, stand by it, kick it, throw the chair, clench your fists, twist my wrists, burn my skin, take it, try it, cut me, break my heart, try it.
    Take my second breath and pretend like it’s my first, scar me for life, capture my smile, hold my hands, kiss my cheeks, startle me, disturb me, surprise me, scare me, love me.
    Pick up one more card, and another for the road (place those people in your heart); these realities you live by, you thrive on death.-You Fuck.
    Steamed flat milk cold coffee; a demitasse- drink it black.
    Looks like mud, pours like mud, tastes like shit.
    Pinch my nerves and burst my capillaries. Thicken my skin so I can laugh and be happy, toughen me so who could read my thoughts.
    Looks like mud, pours like mud, tastes like shit.
    Call my name, teach me to pay close attention, allow me to reach and kick you in the ribs. (or are you the only one who can do that- to me.)- hold still a moment, pause, let’s do this right; let’s only be fair please.
    Take my second breath and pretend like it’s my first, and when have you been there for me? Capture my smile, hold my hands, kiss my face, scar me, surprise me, disturb me, follow me, haunt me, love me- lie to me- don’t you love me?- I loved you.
    I’ll let you carve into me (absorb it), but don’t doubt that it wont take its toll and I’ll soon remember and not forget by age…I loved you.
    But let’s try the lemon now; and as it fills my mouth with its acidic water I choke, my mouth is left dry from tears.
    Looks like mud, pours like mud, tastes like shit.
    Shredded, pitted, hallowing from gyrating gravel, grate the remaining flesh by hand- shape the pieces into tiny pearls and choke them around my neck (reshape what’s left) on a wire for chord (hide it?). Or maybe I should just drive this metal into your stomach instead- and let your rancid, mealy fat and dry soft flesh expose. What’s better revenge; would it be worse to let you live with yourself in your own decay (have you too far rotten that you can not feel?).
    Like a car can crumple on sharp impact though – (conflicting emotions and new instinct) same as wrapping paper, your skin builds under my nails, where the wall hit and I skid…my emotions…The wall drops the floor to no end, warped horizons, no resolution- closure.
    I’ve gotten knocked down- I’ve been broken- beaten each time I’ve stood; so I reformed my earth and your sky so that you have fallen through- too much weight you see- you’ve hit the ground and exploded.
    Your flesh is as smells creamy and attractive before it starts to bleed and releases whatever resin, sludge belongs to you, sugar and either- poison…Waxy plugs, taken up, on your head left a scar I’ve cursed, let it haunt you now, let it follow you; never forget… unforgettable.
    Get near me, come close to me and I’ll tear you to pieces with my smile which you helped create- Wish it was fake? – So do I too.
    Looks like mud, pours like mud, tastes like shit.
    Take my second breath and convince yourself it was my first, take your last and know that I was never yours, take yourself and know what you have done to my heart; but that you have made me stronger. Capturer my smile…take my hands…kiss my face… love me.

    No conversation can satisfy my desire to communicate this feeling- this urge to show you how I feel- FACE ME…Every time I am able to find some balance, you reappear. You are not allowing the wound to heal BUT I am the shards knitted back together, I am force, I am pressure, I am stress, I am anger, and sadness and depression…blossoming, I am black sharpened steel, I’ve been heated and tempered; AND I AM AGIANST YOU.

    These days, my hopes and dreams and desires change so frequently…I am being pulled in so many directions; time is lost just trying to keep anything strait…An undertow of my past and fears about the future run like mad under my feet; and I am hurt…

    The acoustic…
    We are the sum who could never quite get rid of it; we are the sum who could never just quit…we are not but lovers, lone, we have been found in another place///somewhere we can be together; where we always get back to…somehow…///constantly we fall in and settle out, never quite comfortable anywhere (but here)….only for awhile…/// name, I will remember, another scar across the skin…increasing the increments, deeper…trying to get away///
    Reminding us to “let love in”…where…
    Show me…you need to begin whole, because I am already weak…
    I have continued, and will go on, so you need to show me.
    Stop me.
    Hold me.
    Give me something to believe in.
    You need to begin whole because,
    I am already weak.
    Maybe I need you.
    I can’t admit it,
    I might break.

    “The only way to feel again is to let love in”

    Breaking down barriers and getting to know yourself can sometimes be the hardest thing. –To realize and accept that to continue you must head on confront your darkness and embrace it, not dwell on the mistakes of the past, but realize your surroundings and force. Be deliberate. Realize your strength in times of weakness. Reset and go back to the beginning. Some of us were born into light; others born into darkness. It is our will and ability to turn what once hurt us into power that sets us apart.
    I know my post is late; your openness and honesty about your journey is been inspirational and welcoming.
    Like retrieving a sunken log from muddy water though we have the best intentions sometimes and we can see our desired future, not blind anger or brute force can grasp onto its algae covered exterior or overcome the sucking sediments that have accumulated- burying our prize for years. It takes finesses, strength, and determination to lift the log. -Simple realizations of that goal help lead to clarity.
    Thank you for your post.

    • Kephra Rubin says:

      Wow, thank you for yours. I know it’s not always easy to post your own work for others, perhaps strangers, to see. It means a lot, both what you took from my post, and what you gave back in return. I like your style, it’s very “Fight Club”, very much vulnerable and yet primal and ferocious at the same time. Honestly, I don’t get a lot of hits on this page, lol, but still, there’s an average of around 60 people a day who choose only to watch, with a handful who have the strength to post their thoughts and risk the pain of exposing themselves, even if only in a small way. This is power, in every sense of the term, and it’s power you have inside yourself. Power that you have shared with me and made me stronger. This really reinforces my idea that true power lies in vulnerability, or perhaps is balanced by it. So much so, that without it, strength is only an illusion. This blog shows me every day how far from being alone I am in the quest for true understanding. We are surrounded by people from all walks of life who look at the world and find an appreciation for it. We are surrounded by people who care, who feel, who think. We are so far from alone.

      Thank you again for your response, you made me so happy 🙂

  9. Pingback: Poetry: Slowly It Degrades | Kephra Rubin

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s