The book’s for you, well, it’s for me too. It can’t get to you if it isn’t for me first, right? I think that’s essentially what I’m posting about today. Little updates combined into one post that lets you know how I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, and what you mean to me as a reader.
Two new books are on their way, a bunch of poems and some interesting thoughts and articles as well. I have been so focused on creating that I only have small updates like “still creating!” to post so I don’t see much point in posting that on here.
This seems to be what happens with me from time to time. Instead of finishing one piece, then another, ten get done all at once. So what’s been new? Let’s clump it all together now.
I’m happy to share with you that we now have a dedicated artist for the novels, and an editor!
Finding our editor was very difficult and expensive, I wasted money on so many people that simply took advantage of my dyslexia. I would show their work to friends and everyone would say it was good. Then, after I paid for the service… the same people would start pointing out droves of errors. Yeah!
I feel very insecure at times, but it also feels very triumphant when I keep on going. Sometimes I get frustrated. I wouldn’t call what I deal with severe, plenty of people are more severely dyslexic than I am. Regardless, it’s what I’m dealing with, and so it’s a big deal to me, right? Ha!
I read every day to strengthen my skills and make me a better writer. Sometimes I’ll get this big happy face because I read 30 pages in a day and it’s sad how many people almost get angry and tell me how they read 100 before bed. The other day I read 80 and still the eyes roll. I want to say “When was the last time you more than doubled your ability?”
Actually… sometimes I do say that. Sometimes I’m more skilled at shutting people down than I am at building myself up, too. I don’t like that. I can understand it, of course. A child does whatever they have to do to block out the day-in, day-out tsunami of negativity and spirit breaking that is every day life. What about an adult, though? When does the adult stop being the kid?
I’m no angel, but I do believe I’m working very hard on being a better person. I think part of being a better person is breaking free from the need of others. To not need their approval, to not need anything from them, but to always be willing to share with everyone. The biggest part of sharing, the hardest part, is letting others share with you. At least that’s my problem.
Great big walls surrounding a heart I don’t even understand.
Lately I’ve wondered if that’s the “grand lesson” in life, that life isn’t for anyone but you. When I make my life about others I’m never happy. I know that’s counter to what most people say.
My greed only exists because I allowed people to take too much in the past. My fear exists because I know in many ways I won’t do to others what they did to me and so I don’t know how to defend myself against them. My anger comes from that frustration. So I lash out trying to scare them as much as they scare me. So much of who I am is simply a response to the world, and not an expression of myself
I don’t like that, either.
Still, look at all our triumphs so far. Sure, Walk Through the Valley: The Hill Tribe is getting re-edited due to the last five editors being scam artists. Walk Through the Valley: Calm Waters, my second novel, will probably be truly complete before my first novel… but whatever. It still counts as a completed novel.
We’re officially a novelist guys!
I think that’s why I’m writing, why I’m doing what’s hard, because those inner walls got built up so big I can’t see over them anymore. My heart, my soul or whatever you want to call that inner spark that is “who we are” is a complete mystery to me. Writing is like meditation. I can take a character who “isn’t me” and work them through my real life problems and see what it feels like. I’m writing to see what I recognize. When you read, you’re joining me on that journey and who knows, maybe finding a little of yourself as well.
I’m not the best at marketing, or business, I have about 200 followers if you add up social media and blogs. Yet, I get a lot of interaction from you all. I’ve gotten notes from people in jail telling me I’m the reason they try to rehabilitate. Others telling me something I said is why they stopped being an escort/prostitute. To lighter things, like people simply saying it’s nice to not feel alone, or “dude that fight scene was freakin’ awesome!” and other happy notes. I wish I got as much encouragement from friends and family as I do from you, but to keep it a more positive thought, I’m just glad to be getting encouragement.
I write for myself, but I think in a lot of ways we’re all writing for each other, too. The difference is we start with ourselves, and then we find each other because we’ve genuinely expressed ourselves. I feel like this is different from becoming who you think people will like. Granted, people who push to be liked tend to get liked and so they have hundreds of thousands of followers, but I think that’s good, too. I think marketing and social media and all that stuff is really hard and anyone who can be good at it is expressing themselves in a way. I’m going to be working on improving that part of this journey as well.
Who knows who we’ll connect with when reach out and try to connect? Should be fun to find out.
That’s something I learned about myself relatively recently as well, what a fragile thing I am in terms of connection. Hey, that’s not very macho! I know, right? Losing my man card here. For a long time I didn’t believe in love. Then I fell in love, then I believed in love, then I lost love.
She did fine, it did not go well for me. I think heartbreak in childhood is important, it teaches you how to deal with it. I meet a lot of women that have this like “bitter ex girlfriend” personality. I don’t date them, but I meet them. Eek! Yet I look at so many with envy because they at least are prepared in some way for future heartbreak. I got hit by a freight train when it happened. Honestly, there wasn’t a part of me that had any doubt about happily ever after and when it ended, I realized I had seen all the signs, I just assumed we would try to work it out. Nope, it was like-on to the next one. In the end, what was so awe inspiring, was like trying on a sweater or something for her. She had fallen in love before.
I understand maybe it’s possible I still don’t know what love is and that was never really love. So let’s at least call it the most powerful experience of the heart I’ve had to date. Sure, we got back together and broke up like 80 times after that. So I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her, either. It’s been a while now and in a lot of ways I still feel like I’m picking up the pieces. Perhaps if I had had more experiences beforehand I would have been ready. Then again, perhaps I wouldn’t have been so open to it.
I have survived a lot, and most of my childhood was only about surviving. I didn’t really have a chance to fall in love until I was already a grown man. We broke up, and a long string of bad decisions followed. I didn’t fall into drugs or alcohol, but searched for distractions in other women. I guess I can’t call them all bad decisions, but certainly conflicting ones.
I’m a father now, by the way.
I know, that’s a big one to just insert in there so casually. I guess with the life I’ve lived I worry about stalkers and creeps somehow finding her. Mainly because I’ve had stalkers and they are pretty crafty at finding me.
It’s scary being a father. I taught her to crawl, to walk, and now she’s learning to run… okay, lightly jog, but she’s getting there! I know I can’t protect her from everything, and it’s not easy to communicate to her how to protect herself. She got so mad at me the other day because I wouldn’t let her eat a dirty rock. Not that a clean rock would have been much better…
Chip off the old block, she already knows everything, I’m just along for the ride. Ha, ha, jokes on me. I do my best to act out what could happen if she makes a mistake and then basically she decides if the risk is worth the reward. Often she listens, the problem is when she experiments and nothing bad happens.
I pretended to eat the rock, and then pretended to choke. She looked at me, looked at the rock… and shoved it in her mouth. She figured she was skilled enough now that she wouldn’t choke. She didn’t choke on the rock, but I won that battle because she couldn’t get the dirt out of her mouth. So I kept making “blahg” noises to show that it was gross and cleaned her mouth out with cotton swabs. Hopefully that’s the end of dirt eating. Time will tell.
Financially we hit a couple of snags, all of our projects will still get completed. I don’t know if there’s enough of us for a kickstarter to go fully funded, but it’s worth a shot since even if it doesn’t it may bring in more readers. More readers equals more feedback equals better story telling! Everything will get done either way, but it may take a little longer than I originally thought.
Remember to like me on facebook:
Pretty much everyone who follows my blog is subscribed to it because they know I struggle with dyslexia and new content sometimes takes time. It lets them know via email when I post something so they can devour it right away! I have a bunch of little updates that I want you to know about, but I feel bad filling your email with stuff like that.
So like my facebook and follow it and when I have something like “Edits are going great, cover design is on tack!” You can see it there and know I’m doing okay, without getting more email crammed into your inbox.
I know I need to set up twitter as well. I need someone to help me with that I don’t really understand how to use it. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.
So, that’s pretty much what I wanted to accomplish today. Say hello, catch up, let you know things haven’t fallen off I’ve just gotten so focused on the novels and writing that I didn’t have much dramatic to post here. Little updates are on facebook, and you’ll see there’s a bunch. At some point soon I’ll link twitter.
So, how have you been? What’s new?